the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
