i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
