i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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