I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
