Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
