Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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