Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
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