Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
