Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
