We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Randomize
