just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
