mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
