I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
