I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
