I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Randomize
