he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
