I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
