i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
