just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
