I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
