Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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