If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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