make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
don't judge my taste in strippers
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
