remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Randomize
