Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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