I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Boobs are out for the taking
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
