oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
please don't ironically join a cult
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