gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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