It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
My life is pants optional.
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