I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
