my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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