Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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