So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
