So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
