I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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