So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I love you. Go after that dick
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
