its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
