She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
