I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
