ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
