The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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