...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
