She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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