can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
