after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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