I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
