Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
