the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
