I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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