Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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