I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
