So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
