I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
