It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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